5 Warning Signs of a Bad Therapist (Run, Don’t Walk)
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Therapy has the potential to be profoundly healing. As you explore your current frustrations, past hurts, and dreams for the future, you can gain insight into your inner conflicts and find the freedom to make more authentic choices.
A good therapist gives you a safe space where you can talk about things you've never talked about before, express deep emotions, and release fears you've been keeping locked inside.
Unfortunately, though, therapy doesn’t always go so well. Sometimes, it gives you limited benefits or just doesn’t work.
You might not click with your therapist or form the kind of connection that allows you to open up or make progress. You might not be ready and so you might need to wait and come back when it’s the right time. Or you might need to experiment with different therapists or approaches until you find the one that’s right for you.
In the worst-case scenario, therapy can be destructive. Therapists are human, and while most are well-meaning, some are blind to serious flaws or conflicts of interest, and a few are overtly exploitative and unprincipled. When you end up with one of these bad therapists, the only solution is to walk away.
Bad therapy is worse than no therapy at all. Careless, negligent, or predatory therapists can do lasting harm.
Fortunately, getting good therapy isn’t just a matter of luck. You can learn how to spot good therapists and avoid the bad ones. When you know the ethical standards therapists are expected to meet, you can walk into a therapist’s office with the confidence to walk right back out if something isn’t right.
A bad therapist can’t help but raise red flags. To avoid the worst ones, watch out for the following warning signs. You can (and should) walk away from a therapist who:
Makes unwanted physical contact.
One of the first red flags to look out for is if a therapist tries to make your relationship with them a physical one—whether that’s hugging or touching you in ways you don’t like or even making sexual advances toward you.
The instinct to offer a comforting touch is strong and can be a challenge for therapists to navigate. Clients want different things and therapists can sometimes assume your comfort level wrongly based on their experiences with other clients. But while good therapists can make mistakes, they also learn from them. A good therapist won’t keep doing something you don’t want them to do.
HEADS UP
Two Major Red Flags
There are gray areas when it comes to figuring out an appropriate level of physical contact with a therapist. For example, some people are fine with hugs and handshakes while others are not. But some things are always wrong. Something isn’t right when a therapist:
- Keeps touching you after you’ve asked them to stop.
- Pursues sexual or intimate physical contact with you.
You and your therapist can work out your own boundaries around hugging and other non-sexual physical contact, but sexual contact between clients and therapists is always wrong. It destroys the special kind of relationship you need to have with a therapist for therapy to work and is usually harmful in other ways.
You should walk away if a therapist tries to convince you that sex with them is therapeutic or even just okay. A therapist who tries to have sex with you is acting in their own self-interest, ignoring the ethical code they agreed to follow, risking losing their license, and potentially causing you significant harm.
The first of the two worst red flags is lack of consent—ethical therapists won’t keep doing anything you ask them to stop doing. The best won’t assume anything.
Others might not think to ask first, but any halfway decent therapist will listen, respond, and change their behavior if you tell them you don’t like something.
So, while an unsolicited touch isn’t automatically a bad sign, it’s definitely a red flag if a therapist ignores what you tell them and continues doing it after you’ve said it makes you uncomfortable.
For example, a good therapist might hug you before they think to check whether you’re okay with that. But they should immediately apologize and stop if you tell them you’d prefer for them not to hug you.
The second major red flag is when therapists do more than offer a hug or a brief hand on your shoulder. Good therapists never try to have sex with clients.
HEADS UP
But What If You Have a Crush on Your Therapist?
What do you do if you’re the one who wishes your relationship with your therapist was more intimate? What if you’re the one who wants to have sex with them? Does that make it okay?
It’s normal to have these feelings toward your therapist, and you shouldn’t feel ashamed or bad that you’re having them, but it’s almost always harmful to act on them.
To learn a little more about why sex between clients and therapists is a bad idea—even if it’s what you want—you can read our article, “Why Can’t I Have Sex with My Therapist?”
If a therapist kisses you or asks you to sit in their lap, they’ve wandered far past the gray area. They’re all the way in the red zone if they ask you to have sex with them or meet them somewhere outside the office for a date.
Not only should you never go back to a therapist who pursues sexual contact, you should consider reporting them to the board that licenses them. Having sex with clients violates every ethical code therapists have to follow and can get them banned from ever practicing therapy again.
Blurs professional boundaries in other ways.
Sexual relationships put clients at severe risk of emotional harm and exploitation, but they’re not the only kind of harmful dual relationships therapists can have with clients.
It’s unethical for therapists to try to get you involved in their personal, business, or social projects outside of the office. Not only does the power imbalance between you and your therapist easily lead to exploitation, socializing with your therapist can also disrupt or destroy the special relationship you need to have with them for therapy to work.
So, good therapists don’t make social overtures outside of the office like inviting you to events, sending you friend requests from their personal social media pages (it can be okay to follow their professional account, especially if they share helpful information on it), or offering you rides.
Good therapists refuse to work with clients they know socially outside of the office, like people they see and chat with at parties. It’s usually fine if you go to the same gym or grocery store, but usually isn’t if you go to the same book club or bar. The key is the depth and intimacy of your incidental interactions.
Basically, it’s a green flag if your paths don’t cross with your therapist outside of therapy and you don’t know much about them.
PRO TIP
Don't Expect to Know Too Much About Your Therapist
It’s a sign of a good therapist if you don’t know much about them.
It’s a sign of a bad therapist if they vent about their problems and you feel like your sessions are more for them than you.
It’s okay to know a little. Some good therapists are willing to share a few personal details, but they only do it when they think it might help you.
To learn more about what good therapists do and don’t share (and why), you can read our article, “My Therapist Won’t Share (or Overshares). What Do I Do?”
Some good therapists may share a little about themselves when it might be helpful to you. For example, they might share a personal experience if it shows that you’re not alone or that something you’re wanting to try has helped them or someone else. And some good therapists start sessions with a little small talk to break the ice.
But good therapists keep their own issues out of the therapy room. For therapy to work, your therapist has to have a unique relationship with you in which you share a lot and they share little.
So, therapists shouldn’t be too “chatty.” They shouldn’t vent to you about personal problems or take up too much of your time talking about themselves. And they definitely should never ask you to meet up with them for coffee or call you up just to chat.
DEEP DIVE
Your Therapist Is Not Your Friend
It’s natural to want to be friends with your therapist and wish you could hang out with them outside of the therapy office. Talking to your therapist feels good, so of course you wish you could do it more often.
But while it might seem counterintuitive, there are good reasons why you can’t be friends with your therapist. They would lose their objectivity and stop seeing you clearly as a client. It would also take away the special intimacy of the therapy relationship.
You can get close with your therapist in ways you can’t with anyone else because you’re not friends. You can be weirder, bolder, and more vulnerable with them because therapy creates a safe space outside of social norms.
Your sessions can (and should) be exclusively focused on you and your needs, and your therapist can be nonjudgmental in a way a friend can’t. Being friends with your therapist would actually take away most of what you value about your time with them.
To learn more about what makes the therapy relationship unique and why it’s not compatible with friendship, you can read our article, “Why Can’t I Be Friends with My Therapist?”
There are other things a therapist can do to cross boundaries and approach your relationship in the wrong way. You should never feel like a therapist is taking advantage of you for their own gain.
Good therapists avoid conflicts of interest and don’t agree to see clients who have competing interests, like people who are in legal or custody battles with each other (except when they are explicitly hired as a mediator). They don’t try to get free or discounted services from clients or barter with their clients by accepting goods and services in exchange for therapy.
Ethical therapists are straightforward about their fees and what they charge. Their bills don’t surprise you. If their rates change, they have an open discussion with you and work out a payment plan. They don’t make sudden changes that make you feel squeezed financially.
They also shouldn’t pressure you to do something unethical that benefits their bottom line. One super-shady thing some therapists do is try to enlist you in insurance scams or other forms of financial fraud. If your therapist asks you to lie about or fudge something on your forms, it’s a huge red flag.
Leads with their ego and tries to control you.
Therapy is about you. A good therapist acts only in your best interest. It’s a red flag when you start to feel like your sessions (or something going on outside of your sessions) is for your therapist’s sake and not yours. It’s even worse if it’s at your own expense.
We’ve already talked about some of the most obvious examples. It’s a red flag if a therapist tries to have sex with you or act like your friend. But even if your therapist isn’t trying to get you to hang out with them outside the office, there are other ways they can let their interests intrude on your therapy.
One is if your therapist starts trying to control you and tell you what to do. While it’s a therapist’s job to help you deconstruct painful or limiting personal beliefs, good therapists don’t impose any of their own beliefs on you. Your therapist shouldn’t be trying to convert you to their religion or talk you out of your political views.
You shouldn’t feel like your therapist is trying to force you to follow their personal rules or see things their way. It’s a sign they’re leading with their ego and that they have the wrong attitude about therapy.
Good therapists know that their role is not to tell you what to do. Instead, they want to help you come to your own realizations.
Good therapists won’t try to control or manipulate you to get you to do what they think you should do or what they want you to do.
Good therapists humbly accept that their clients are experts on their own lives and there is more than one way to grow and heal. They are open-minded and keep their personal agendas out of the office.
Good therapists give you suggestions and homework. But they don’t make you feel like the only way to do something right is to do it exactly the way they do it. And they don’t tell you how they think your life should look or what they think your therapy goals should be.
Therapists should be receptive to the direction you want to take your therapy in. It’s a bad sign if your therapist gets defensive if you tell them something isn’t working. Good therapists are willing to adjust their approach to better meet your needs as a client. And they don’t get angry if you tell them you want to try another therapist.
DEEP DIVE
What Happens When You Break Up with a Therapist?
How are you supposed to break up with a therapist when it isn’t working? And how does a therapist react when you do? If you tell them that you don’t like something they’re doing or that you think another therapist might be a better match, do they get upset with you?
Talking about changing or ending therapy is actually pretty easy when you’re with a good therapist. You might be surprised by how open your therapist is to your feedback and how comfortable this conversation is to have.
To learn more about when and how to break up with a therapist, you can read our article, “How Do I Tell My Therapist I Want to Quit?” You can also explore whether the issues you’re having might be workable by reading our article, “What If I Don’t Like My Therapist?”
A good therapist handles this conversation with grace. They might encourage you to reconsider if they think you want to quit for the wrong reason, but they won’t be pushy. They might explore whether the issue is something you can work through or if you’re not seeing the progress you’ve made, but they won’t act offended that you think another therapist might be a better fit.
Good therapists know they won’t be the right therapist for everyone, and they will support you finding someone who is the right match. The best ones will even be happy to help you with a referral and will tell you if they know someone in their professional network who might be a better match.
So, if your therapist starts acting possessive, or you feel like they’re leading with their ego, it’s probably time to let them go.
Shares your information with other people.
One of the things that makes the therapy room a safe space is your confidence that your therapist won’t share what you tell them with anyone else.
The assumption of confidentiality is the foundation of the therapeutic process. Good therapists don’t share your information. They don’t gossip or chat about you outside of the office. They don’t drop your name or make it easy for anyone to know you’re their client.
That said, there are a few exceptions to confidentiality. Therapists are legally and ethically obligated to violate confidentiality when they learn that a client is abusing a child or planning to harm or kill someone. In rare cases, they might have to release records in response to a subpoena.
DEEP DIVE
Should You Share Everything with Your Therapist?
Therapy is supposed to be a safe space—but is it, really? You already know there are things your therapist might have to report, like child abuse or a plan to harm yourself or others.
But what about other things? What if you committed a crime and want to get it off your chest? What if you’re using drugs? Can your therapist tell the cops? Will they?
The simple answer is that you shouldn’t worry. Except in extremely rare cases where they’re subpoenaed, good therapists won’t disclose your information to police or in court. And even if they’re subpoenaed, they’ll still do everything they can to share as little as possible.
For more detailed information about whether you should share certain sensitive information with a therapist, you can read our article, “Should I Tell My Therapist Everything?”
Sometimes, good therapists might share your information in a very limited way if they feel like the right advice could help them help you better. Good therapists seek input from their clinical supervisors when they’re stuck on a case.
But even when a therapist is consulting with their supervisor, they nearly always disguise or leave out personally identifying information about clients. Even when the paperwork you signed when you started working with your therapist allows them to consult on your case within their own agency, they still limit what they share to what’s absolutely necessary to get the help they (and you) need.
Other than in these special circumstances, therapists shouldn’t be sharing your information.
Therapists shouldn’t be writing about you online, telling colleagues your secrets, or telling friends or family, “You won’t believe who I just saw today.”
They shouldn’t indicate in public that they know you unless you approach them and initiate the interaction.
They shouldn’t try to get you to write positive reviews for them or promote them on social media. They should honor your privacy and not push you to make it known that you’re their client in order to benefit their bottom line.
If at any point, you find yourself in a compromised situation because your therapist didn’t honor your confidentiality, it’s probably time to walk away.
Offers services they aren't qualified to provide.
Another important ethical concern for therapists is competence. Good therapists only provide services they are qualified to provide.
For example, good therapists don’t agree to work with children if they have no training or experience working with children. They won’t advertise that they specialize in trauma-informed methods just because they read a few articles about EMDR.
The best therapists take it a step further than refraining from false advertising. They keep up with developments in the field, complete continuing education requirements, and read relevant literature. If they become interested in a therapy method they haven’t used before, they take a class or certification to become proficient in it before offering that new intervention to clients.
Good therapists know there’s always more to learn, so they’re always seeking to improve their skills.
DEEP DIVE
Learn More About the Methods Therapists Use
Different therapy methods can work for different clients and address different issues. Some are tailored to specifically treat one particular type of issue.
Knowing what you want to address in therapy and understanding which methods might work best for you will help you avoid ending up with a therapist who doesn’t know how to help you.
To learn more about different therapy methods, and which might be the best fit for your needs, you can read our article, “Which Type of Therapy Is Best for Me?”
It’s a big red flag when a therapist offers services that fall outside the realm of therapy altogether. For example, they shouldn’t be giving you reiki or massage during your normal session time while billing you for therapy. (They really shouldn’t be giving you those things outside of therapy, either, because that would constitute having a dual relationship with you.)
It’s just as bad if they offer guidance that falls outside of the scope of their license. Your therapist shouldn’t be giving you medical advice, telling you what or how to eat, or pushing you to take certain supplements. They shouldn’t be giving you advice about managing your finances or buying a house. They shouldn’t be trying to get you to join a religion or follow a spiritual teacher they’re into.
This doesn’t mean therapists should never talk about any of these topics. It’s not necessarily a red flag if a therapist mentions something they know about that helped them, especially if they just mention it in passing and move on.
What is a bad sign is if your therapist positions themself as an expert on topics outside the realms of mental health and personal growth. It’s even worse if they pressure you to follow their unqualified advice.
A therapist’s position of authority can be deceptive and make you feel like they’re an expert guide in things they really know nothing about. Unethical therapists who have work to do on their own egos can get a little too comfortable with that position and start telling you what to do—even making threats of what they’ll do if you don’t. If that starts to happen, it’s time to look for a new therapist.
Conclusion
It can be discouraging to put effort into finding the right therapist, only to have to walk away because you’ve ended up with a bad one. It’s especially disheartening when someone you trusted tries to take advantage of you.
But walking away is the best thing you can do—because bad therapy is worse than no therapy at all. An unethical therapist can retraumatize or harm you. A therapist who puts their personal gain over your personal growth can leave you worse off than when you began. So don’t wait and hope. There’s no silver lining to sticking it out with them.
PRO TIP
Don't Stick with a Therapist Who Does Any of These Things
When you end up with an unethical therapist, the best thing to do is look for another one. But how can you tell? There are some signs you can look out for. These are five of the biggest red flags that a therapist is unethical:
- They make unwanted physical contact or suggest that you do anything sexual with them.
- They blur professional boundaries in other ways by asking you to socialize outside of therapy or by trying to get you to do them favors.
- They lead with their egos and get controlling, defensive, or possessive when you tell them you want to change or end therapy. They won’t accept criticism or adjust their approach.
- They violate confidentiality by sharing your information with other people or interacting with you socially in the “real world” or online in ways that “out” you as their client.
- They offer other services during therapy that aren’t therapy or give you advice that they aren’t qualified to provide—such as medical, financial, or spiritual advice.
Good therapists don’t put their needs first. They know they’re in a position of power and authority and don’t take advantage of it. They honor the special qualities of the therapeutic relationship, including its limitations. They humbly accept that they’re not the expert on your life—you are. They know that treating you with respect and maintaining clear boundaries is the bare minimum requirement for giving you good therapy.
And that’s a good therapist’s most important goal: giving you good therapy. They know if they get it right, they can help you heal and leave therapy better than you were before you began. Nothing makes a good therapist happier than that.
If you’ve had a bad experience with a therapist, don’t give up. You don’t have to let a bad experience keep you from having a good one. The good news is that most therapists are ethical, care about their clients, and will put you and your needs first. So, if you end up with a bad therapist, chances are good the next one you find will be better.
If you’ve had to go back to the drawing board after an unfortunate encounter with a bad therapist, consider using the search tools on OpenCounseling or BetterHelp (a sponsor) to find a new therapist locally or online. If you keep looking, you might just meet someone who can help you discover all the good things that good therapy has to offer.