How Do I Know If Therapy Is Right for Me?
Short On Time?
Here's two ways to read the article.
Therapy is hot right now. It can seem like everyone is getting it and recommending it to everyone else.
There just isn’t the same skepticism or stigma there used to be. In fact, it’s almost the opposite: nowadays, people might judge you for not going to therapy, especially if you loudly complain about something they know therapy could help you address.
We’ve learned we all need help with our mental health at some point, and therapy is a way to get that help.
In other words, therapy is beyond normal: it’s prescribed care that we’re under increasing social pressure to get when we’re not well.
But therapy is more than just an important form of mental health care. It’s a tool for personal evolution. It can foster personal growth, inner peace, fulfilling relationships, essential self-knowledge, and even spiritual development.
These are things most of us want, so why not just tell everyone they should go to therapy?
Is therapy for everyone? Or are there people therapy won’t help?
The answer is complicated. Therapy won’t work for you under all conditions, and some of the conditions that affect how well it works are out of your control.
So, there are definitely times therapy is less likely to work for you, even if you go with the best of intentions.
However, it tends to work, eventually, if you want it to work, and if you go at the right time in your life.
Read on to learn more about who therapy is for, when it’s more likely to work, and how to know when it’s the right time to go.
You Kind of Have to Like Therapy for It to Work
Therapy isn’t for everyone in the same way sour candy isn’t for everyone. Anyone can try it, but not everyone is going to like it. And liking it—at least a little—goes a long way toward making it work.
Why? You have to be open to it for it to work. If you guard yourself with a shield of mistrust or skepticism, everything you do in therapy will bounce off of it.
The trick is time. Most of us are at least a little defensive in the beginning. But if you’re motivated to keep going through that first awkward phase of therapy, you’ll eventually get to the point you can let your guard down and work through the things you need to work through.
And the easiest way to stay motivated and keep going is to like the process.
To get much out of therapy, you have to be open to it, and to be open to it, you have to like it, at least a little.
That doesn’t mean you have to like therapy all the time. No one does. In fact, it’s almost certain that you’re not going to like therapy sometimes. There will be times you dread or even hate it.
The key word is sometimes. There’s a difference between dreading it when it’s hard and disliking it in general.
To like therapy, you have to like talking. You have to like thinking about things and trying to figure them out. You have to like running experiments with your life. You have to like trying new ways of doing and looking at things.
Many of us naturally like this stuff. If you’re introverted, reflective, and enjoy deep conversations, therapy is probably going to feel pretty good right from the beginning.
But if this isn’t your natural mode of operating, it might feel uncomfortable. It might feel frustrating, slow, invasive, creepy, pointless, or just plain weird.
PRO TIP
Therapy usually feels at least a little awkward in the beginning, but then it starts to feel good as you get more comfortable with your therapist. You stop feeling so overexposed and weird and start feeling heard. You start looking forward to your sessions because it’s such a relief to finally be able to tell someone the things you can’t tell anyone else.
Some of the weirdness can wear off with time. But what if it doesn’t?
What if talking to your therapist never stops feeling awkward and uncomfortable?
In other words, what if you just don’t like it? What if you try but it never clicks for you?
That’s okay! You have other ways to get what you need for your mental health. Other options include medication, good self-care habits, supportive relationships, participation in community, and self-help.
And if therapy ultimately is what you need—because there are things therapy can do for you that nothing else can—don’t worry. It will feel different when the time is right. You’ll feel like there’s a reason you’re there and you’ll be strangely compelled to keep going. Eventually, it will click.
If Success in Therapy Depends on One Thing, It's This
Therapists disagree about who they believe therapy is for.
Some think it’s for everyone, while others think only people with certain personality types or traits will be able to get much out of it.
Most therapists are pretty flexible in these opinions, though, because they believe there’s one thing that matters more than anything else. That’s motivation.
Therapists believe that a client who’s motivated will ultimately get more out of therapy than someone who isn’t, no matter what else is or isn’t true about them.
What does it mean to be motivated in therapy?
At its simplest, it means you want to be there and that you have a good reason to keep showing up, no matter how hard or weird or gets. It means there’s something that drives you to do the work you need to do for therapy to be successful.
This isn’t quite the same thing as liking therapy—you can be motivated to show up for reasons other than enjoying your time with your therapist.
One of the strongest motivators is pain. If you’re suffering, and you believe therapy will help you stop suffering—or at least help you suffer less—you’re much less likely to quit.
This simple fact—that pain and suffering motivate us—is behind a lot of popular ideas about how we change. It’s why some people insist that you have to hit “rock bottom” before you can change the way you live.
PRO TIP
To be ready to change, you might not have to actually hit rock bottom, but you have to be uncomfortable enough to want to disrupt your personal status quo. You have to be willing to put your time and energy into some new, weird habit.
That motivation to change has to be even stronger if you’ve got to pay for the privilege like you do with therapy!
Of course, pain and discomfort aren’t the only things that can motivate you. Liking something can. Desire can. Curiosity can. Dreams and goals can.
But whatever it is that keeps you going, whatever it is that keeps you showing up when you’re tired and uncertain, you’ve got to have it. Therapists know this, and you probably know it, too.
In other words: If you’re motivated to show up for session after session even when things get tough, therapy will probably work for you no matter what else is or isn’t true about you.
Goldilocks Kind of Sucked, But She Had a Point
Goldilocks was guilty of breaking and entering and bothering a bunch of bears that were just minding their business. But she was onto something with her search for the happy medium between too hot and too cold, too hard and too soft, too high and too low.
Therapy is something Goldilocks might like—a happy medium. It’s just right if you’re bothered enough by something that you want to change it, but not so bothered that you can’t manage the rest of your life while you’re working on it.
Therapy is just right if you need mental health help—or help with another significant personal issue or goal—but you’re not in danger.
Therapists sometimes turn clients away when they need more than a therapist can provide.
A once-weekly therapy session isn’t going to be enough to keep you safe if you’re at risk of acting on thoughts of harming yourself or others.
It’s not going to be enough if you’re dangerously out of touch with reality and putting yourself in harm’s way.
It isn’t going to be enough if you’re not currently able to maintain your life outside of therapy and aren’t caring for yourself, your health, or your material and financial needs.
However, if you get the level of care that you need when you’re in crisis, it will help you stabilize to the point therapy is right for you.
And it usually doesn’t take that long.
DEEP DIVE
How Long Does It Take to Recover from a Mental Health Crisis?
You usually only need crisis-level care like inpatient treatment for a few days. If you don’t need inpatient, you may just need to do an intensive outpatient program (IOP) for a while, where you can get the extra support you need to get back on your feet again at a program that meets multiple times a week. After a few weeks or months in IOP, you’ll graduate and once again be a good candidate for weekly therapy.
For more information about inpatient mental health treatment, you can read our article, “How Inpatient Mental Health Treatment Works.”
For more information about different levels of mental health care, you can read our article, “Therapy Options for Everything from a Crisis to a Small Worry.”
On the other hand, it’s possible for therapy to be more than you need. You’ve got to have something you really want to figure out or change for therapy to feel right.
If you don’t, and therapy just seems like a nice way to spend an hour, there’s nothing wrong with going for that reason—but chances are good that you’re going to eventually feel like you’re wasting time and money and wonder why you’re there.
In either case, it’s best not to try to make therapy work when it’s too much or too little—it’s best to wait until it’s just right.
How Much Do You Love Your Problems? Be Honest
Problems can be surprisingly useful, especially if you’ve built your life around them. They can become your identity, the thing that gets you care or attention, a point of connection with people you really like. Who would you be without your problems?
One of the scariest things about starting therapy is wondering if it might change you in ways you don’t want to change.
It’s not unusual for therapy—or anything else that helps you heal and grow—to have a profound impact on your personal relationships.
If you change, some people might not know how to relate to you anymore. They might notice they’re not clicking with you as easily and slowly drift away. Some might ghost you almost immediately. This can happen when you start putting up healthy new boundaries in your relationships or asking for more respect, consideration, or space.
This is ultimately a good thing, but that’s only something you can say when you’re on the other side of it. It hurts to lose friends, even if they were only people you thought were friends.
Growth can be uncomfortable in other ways, too. Crappy things you could once tolerate because you didn’t think you could have it any better might become intolerable once you realize you can do better.
You might find it hard to keep going to the same job or sticking to the same routines when you see they’re no longer serving you. Some of your comfortable, familiar habits might start feeling gross or confining.
If you’ve ever spent days, weeks, months, or even years avoiding something, you’re not alone.
So many of us spend so much of our time avoiding the things we’re afraid will hurt to feel or think about. We know we need to do something differently, but we’re not ready yet.
Sometimes, thinking, “I’m not ready” is a defense against doing something you could and should do right now, but sometimes it’s valid. Sometimes it really isn’t the right time.
Maybe your life is too hectic or stressful. Maybe too many things are changing already. Maybe you need to hold steady, to endure and survive a little while for someone else’s sake—maybe someone who is depending on you. You might need to hold on to a toxic job until you’ve saved enough money to quit.
Of course, no good therapist is going to press you to make changes you’re not ready to make, but sometimes you’re not even ready to look too squarely at what you’re dealing with. Not yet, anyway.
Going to therapy when you’re feeling unready to change can feel like stepping into a raging river. Wait until it feels more like stepping onto a raft or a bridge, and you’re less likely to get overwhelmed.
Can You Handle the Truth?
No one can handle the truth all the time, no matter how sincerely they want to know it.
The reason you have defenses is that they protect you from facing difficult truths when you’re not ready. You don’t have to be dishonest to be in denial; you just need to be too vulnerable or unsteady to stand in the face of what you’re not ready to fully know just yet.
The truth calls you to action. So many of the truths you avoid are the ones that confront you with something you need to change—something you need to do.
Some truths are quiet, and ask only for your acceptance of them, but even those usually ask you to change the way you think or feel. And the changes that the truth asks of you can be hard.
If you’re in crisis or fight-or-flight mode, you’re not in a space where jolting new truths are welcome. When you’re one harsh gust away from collapse, you don’t want to call in the wind.
There’s a part of your mind that filters and spoons out truth in amounts you can handle. Your defenses relent and reveal what’s behind them only as you become ready. This is natural and ultimately helpful. Trying to force a revelation when it’s too soon can be destructive, and some wise, quiet part of you knows that.
If it’s not the right time, even just the thought of going to therapy can be anxiety-inducing. If you try to talk yourself into it, especially because someone else is urging you to go, you’re going to feel a heavy inner resistance. It’s worth listening to that resistance and sincerely asking yourself: Can I handle the truth? Can I handle shaking up the way I see myself and the way I experience my life right now?
Sit with the answer a while. Resistance doesn’t always mean it’s the wrong time. It’s natural to resist change, even good change. It takes energy and commitment to change. It takes risk and vulnerability. It feels easier to stick to what you’ve been doing, even if you’re unhappy. It feels safer. And there’s nothing your mind will push you toward harder than a sense of safety—even if that sense is false.
DEEP DIVE
How Can Defenses Get in the Way—And How Can They Help?
Psychodynamic therapists believe the psychological defenses you developed to help you survive when you were younger eventually start to get in the way as you get older.
At some point, to grow, you have to let go of these ‘maladaptive defenses.’ But the idea isn’t that you let go of all of your defenses, because we all need defenses sometimes.
The idea is that you replace your maladaptive defenses, which limit your life in increasingly intolerable ways, with adaptive defenses that are more flexible and give you more room to grow and change.
These adaptive defenses can hold the harshest truths out of sight when necessary, but they usually let the truth peek through every now and then—unlike maladaptive defenses, which screen it out permanently and continuously. This breathing room allows you to make healthy changes as you’re ready.
For more information about psychological defenses, you can read our article, “Why Is Therapy So Hard?“
So, how can you tell if your resistance is a sign it’s not the right time for therapy or if it’s just a stubborn defense that’s holding you back from doing something you really need—and are ready—to do?
First, look at your life circumstances. Do you have the time and money to go to therapy? If you do, are there other practical barriers that make it hard or impossible to go? If not, how do you feel about going? Do you feel some resistance, but also some attraction to the idea? Do you have a feeling therapy could help you take your life to the next level—and is that more exciting than overwhelming?
If the thought of going to therapy fills you with nothing but dread, and the only reason you’re considering it is external pressure or internal judgment, it’s probably not the right time to go.
On the other hand, if the thought is kind of exciting; if the desire to go is coming from you; if that desire is stronger than, or at least equal to, the resistance; and if your life wouldn’t be disrupted too terribly by going to therapy; it might be just the right time to go.
It might be time to face the truths you’ve been avoiding—and let them set you free.
The Hardest Truth to Face
The hardest truth that therapy confronts you with is that the problem is you.
That’s not the same as saying everything is your fault. It isn’t. What it means is that the only person you can change is yourself, and that you are the only person who can make the life you want possible.
No matter who has hurt you, or how, happiness comes from leaving blame behind.
PRO TIP
Therapy can help you forgive and move on by helping you process and work through what happened in the past. It can also give you the strength to walk away from relationships and circumstances that are hurting you in the here-and-now.
Moving through blame is part of the process. Healing starts with shifting blame you’ve unfairly placed on yourself onto the people who really deserve it. This could be your parents, but it doesn’t have to be. It could be a past partner or an exploitative employer. It could be bullies when you were little or a society that’s made it hard for you to survive or be happy.
This is an important part of therapy. But people get therapy wrong when they think that’s all it is—when they think it’s just about blaming or being angry at your parents or other people who hurt you. Good therapy helps you process the grief, anger, and other emotions you feel and ultimately move forward from what happened in the past.
It can be tempting to linger in the blaming phase, and it’s easy to get stuck. But blame, while delicious in the beginning, eventually gets stale. To heal fully, you have to move past it. That means returning the focus and the responsibility to yourself.
You weren’t responsible for what happened to you, but you’re responsible for moving your life forward.
This kind of responsibility is freeing when you’re ready for it.
It doesn’t feel bad or heavy. It’s not at all harsh toward yourself; it’s the opposite. It frees you to follow your heart and to be who you really want to be—who you always were deep inside.
Taking responsibility for yourself means no longer accepting the way others unfairly try to make you responsible for their problems. One of the most important ways you can start to take responsibility for yourself is to establish healthy boundaries around your time and energy—to reckon with what’s really yours and to consciously choose how you want to use your precious inner resources.
Taking responsibility for yourself isn’t just saying, “I have to pick up this shovel and get to work.”
It’s also saying, “I can hand the shovel this person gave me back to them and tell them, ‘I ain’t working for you no more.'”
When you start taking responsibility for your happiness, you realize at that same exact moment that others’ happiness isn’t your responsibility. This doesn’t mean you become selfish, stop caring, or stop showing up for others; it means you stop apologizing for yourself. You stop agreeing that you don’t matter. You embrace “give and take” and no longer are so willing to accept relationships or circumstances that are draining or demeaning.
It’s weird, but it can feel good to maintain the status quo in relationships that just aren’t giving what they should be giving. It can also feel good to stew in righteous resentment. To be able to truly embrace therapy, you have to be ready to move on from all that. You have to be ready to start putting the focus on yourself and on what you can change to be healthier and happier. When you’re ready to do that, you’re ready for therapy.
Conclusion
Whether therapy is right for you has less to do with what kind of person you are than where you are in your life.
There are certain qualities you need to succeed in therapy, but all of those qualities can be learned and developed. You just have to be motivated to learn them.
If now isn’t the right time for therapy, just wait. Chances are good it will be eventually.
Motivation is the one essential thing you need for therapy to work. If you’re motivated, you can learn to like talking about yourself even if you normally don’t. You can face difficult truths and keep showing up even when it’s hard. You can move past your resistance. You can slowly let go of what’s familiar and embrace change.
It’s amazing what therapy can do if you show up ready for it. The process is deceptively simple: you talk about what you want to change, and through talking about it, you move something inside yourself that lets you start making those changes on the outside.
Therapy can help you with a wide range of problems and goals. It can help if you’re depressed or anxious. It can help if you’re struggling with a creative block or a stuck place in a relationship. It can help if you’re trying to clarify your career path or answer spiritual or existential questions. It can help you build better relationships and find people who like you for who you really are.
PRO TIP
Therapy can help you do a lot of things, but it will only help you do those things if you’re ready for it. It will only help if you like it enough—or are motivated enough—to persist when it takes you to strange or awkward places.
That means you have to be uncomfortable enough with the parts of your life you want or need to change for that to fuel you through the uncomfortable parts of therapy. You have to have a reason to want to leave behind your familiar ways of seeing and doing things.
When all this is true, then yes, therapy is right for you. When you’re ready, therapy can lead you away from harmful habits, unfulfilling relationships, dead-end jobs, and fearful avoidance of the things you really want to do with your life. It can help you make slow, steady changes that allow you to trade fear and stagnation for freedom. If you’re ready, and you want it to, it can change your life.